I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
