I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Randomize
