shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
