Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
