Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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