So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
