i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I still have a little drunk in my system
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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