Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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