I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
