Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
