i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
