So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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