the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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