I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
