She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
