She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
