I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
