im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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