how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
