the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
