I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I love you.
Bad choice
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
