Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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