Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
