Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
