Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
