Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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