So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
