And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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