That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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