The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
