My nipple is on Facebook.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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