they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
