I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
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