no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
