it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
