my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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