i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
