Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
