happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
even my farts smell like vagina
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
