a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
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