so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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