Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
