I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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