You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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