We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
