the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
