Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
