Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
