omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
