Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
