and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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