I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
